A day in half hours

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Yesterday my 30mins-on-30mins-off method worked very well for about 3 hours, after which I succumbed to period pain and a bit of a melancholic fit (more on that later). But today I decided to try it once again, and it was much more successful! On days like today, where I don’t have anything scheduled, this is very useful – the shorter time slots and the regular breaks mean that I can focus properly when I am working, and I also tend to relax a bit more constructively when I know I have a limited amount of timeΒ and that I will have further rest time later. I started to plan ahead the next few slots part way through the day, and making time for mental practise and planning as well as physical practise.

I have actually only done 2.5 hours of physical practise today, but I’ve actually achieved rather a lot more than usual (besides basic tech stuff, which I’ve reduced a fair bit for this week). I’ve drilled the triplet passages in the Crumb and the runs at the end of the Saariaho, I’ve covered all the vocal stuff in the Takemitsu, and I’ve revisited the Murail.

I do have to think a bit more about my dose of the miserables yesterday – I really started to despair that everything I am doing is somehow wrong, which indicates it might be a part of my regular thinking. I felt desperately that I wanted to move somewhere new, where no one knew me and I could have a completely fresh start and really be on top of things, doing everything right from the get go. I’m still so afraid that I won’t be good enough for the further study I wish to pursue, and that I’ll get ‘stuck’ in Brisbane without anything vaguely resembling my dream ensemble… How to let go of these fears? Terror is a very poor motivator for me, feeling that I’m doing well and that I’m on the right track does a lot more to keep me going. Further thought is needed.

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