Today was one of those days in which I lost the battles going on between my ears before they even began. I was distracted, glum, and lethargic – completely incapable of summoning the enourmous amount of energy required even to get to the starting point. And so easily irritated that hearing someone talking or quiet music playing in the next room or the internet running slow made anger bubble in my throat.
The trick, I’ve decided, is falling into tasks that are completely non-confrontational. Tiny errands, like requesting a replacement Medicare card. Cooking is nice, I made a slow dal on the stove. Virginia Woolf has been helpful – I’m reading To the Lighthouse. Spectacular book! I could only practise once I’d decided that I probably wouldn’t, and shortly after I wandered into the practise room for a short spell of clocking up the Hurel (clocking up is especially good, as if you take it gently enough you hardly notice the speed increase). But I achieved little else.
So I need to find more ways of approaching things, such as my masters-paper-otherwise-known-as-impending-doom, that are seriously low in confrontingness. The ideas I wrote down this morning were to list 4 possible paper structures or chapter titles, and to aim to be writing at least 500 words per day, regardless of content. That sounds pretty good, and low enough in terror, however I didn’t do them. Do I really need to scale those aims down? Or only on days like today? How can the task be small enough that I barely feel I have to start (starting being the most difficult part of all)? Not questions I have answers to in this mood and fatigue.