Still kicking

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So today was a bit of a meltdown day – I’m almost too proud to admit it, but that’s why I feel it’s valuable to put into writing. You know, it’s a funny thing that I’m writing about the split subject in solo flute works (as exposed by the use of the flautist’s voice), because it’s this split that’s killing me. (On a side note, this post may best be read in the voice of George Costanza, due to the large volume of Seinfeld episodes I’ve just consumed.)

This morning, I get up. It’s a beautiful day! I make some tea, some breakfast, I get right into work. On the paper. I’m writing away, really proud of myself. I’m really starting to feel like it’s coming together. I’m working on the bit about the split within every classical music performer, between the score and themselves, their ‘authentic self’. I’ve got some juicy quotes from Stravinsky and Barthes so I know it’s going to be good. I’m on a roll.

Then. I’m getting a bit peckish. It’s past time for lunch already, of course I’m hungry. I head out, I want a sandwich, I get a falafel from that great place on Vulture. I come back, I eat.

I can’t get back into it. I take out the garbage, I answer my emails, I find all the little things I suddenly feel I need to do. And it’s hanging over me – I should be practising, tomorrow’s the day I’m playing my YPA program through for a few friends and possibly teachers, and I’m not really on top of my stuff. That’s it. I get out my flute, and … flip out. I just freeze up. Nothing works, nothing!

I talk to Liam (he’s still in Sydney), there is much despair and many tears. It’s bleak, I can’t be positive, how could I have been so stupid as to think it could possibly turn out okay, I’ve messed it up once again, I can’t believe I always do this! I’m fed up with being by myself (it’s been over a week!). Anyhow, eventually I calm down.

I plonk down and watch an episode of Seinfeld to take my mind off things.

Later I am able to play a bit more, I do a scant amount of tone exercises (really just checking it’s all there rather than actually trying to improve anything) and play through most of my repertoire. But then I try to focus in on some of the major problems that still exist and I’m all tense, I can’t get any of the lines right, there’s still just so much technical insecurity. I keep at it for maybe an hour.

Then I’m out. I’m fried. I can’t even count how many episodes of this show I’ve watched now. Too many, certainly. The Liam-Jerry resemblance is so strong, it’s almost like having him around (not quite, sadly). And now I really am out, I’m about to crash. Sleep, and Liam will be back in the early morning.

Tomorrow’s a new day. I’ll pull myself together, I’ll do this mock YPA run, but minus the Hurel, which I’m just not confident enough about yet to perform. One week out from a major audition round, I know this isn’t good, but I’ll try to organise another time to play it for some friends. Anyhow. I t  w i l l  b e  o k a y.

Seinfeld fantasies

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